I experienced something the other day and I didn’t even want to talk about it because I couldn’t believe it. That experience has brought me incredible ups and downs and has made me question myself as a person and how far I’m willing to go. It’s made me question what my boundaries are and what love is and how timing works. Everything changed for me in a matter of seconds.
I was at work, filling up the salad bar. I constantly look up from there to make sure there aren’t any customers and if there are then I’ll leave to help them out. But this time, when I looked up, my eyes locked with yours. I know we glanced at each other for just a second, but I swear that moment burns in my memory like a decade passed between us. I can’t even explain what I felt in that moment. I just knew. I knew that you would play a big role in my life. I knew that I was going to meet you that day.
The whole day before hanging out with you I was extremely nervous, to the point where I felt like I was going to be sick. But tell me why the moment I got in the car with you, it all left. I felt calm and at peace and not the least bit uncomfortable. There was something about you that made me stop feeling self conscious. Something about you made me feel calm.
The next time we hung out, kissing you was life changing. In my entire life, I’ve never really liked kissing. It was something that I just did. There was only one other person, during one moment, that I felt like I could kiss forever. Kissing you that night changed me. You had the softest lips, the softest touch. Kissing you was like a gift that I wanted to keep giving. My heart felt it too. You awakened something in me that I thought had died. I had feelings for you. Something I hadn’t felt in 2 years.
Despite all of that, the universe is still cruel. Timing is everything. I’m not a trusting person by any means so of course I found your social media. I wanted to see what you had going on in your life before walking into mine. What did I find? I find that you’re already involved with someone. I have no idea to what degree.
I know that I deserve better. I deserve someone who’s going to be all about me. Someone who is going to treat me right but how do I give up the first person who has made me feel something in 2 years? How do I give up the person who I just knew would be important? It makes me wonder if maybe at a different time in life we would have been perfect together. I can’t imagine how great we could have been. But once again, life isn’t on my team.
What does all of this say about me? What does it show about what kind of person I am? The love that I have for myself? If I can’t drop someone who can’t be there for me 100%? Someone who can’t fully be “mine” I guess.